December 25, 2009 - 4:30am PST - Wasilla, Alaska
Alaskan State Troopers in Wasilla confirm they have attended to an incident at 1140 W Parks Hwy along the shore of Lake Lucille. The address in question is purported to be the family home of the well known self-promoter, author, and media personality Sarah Palin. According to Sargent Hubie H. Huckleberry of the local State Troopers office, police were responding to calls of "shots fired" at the Palin residence as reported by guests at the adjacent Best Western Hotel.
Upon arriving at the Palin residence, troopers found a very distraught elderly man, all dressed in red, holding the bloodied remains of the head of his prized rangifer tarandus, Rudolf. Surrounded by a sad inconsolable group of eight other bleeding and wounded reindeer (and the wreckage of a sleigh full of toys riddled with bullets), the poor soul, clearly shaken, cried, "... for the love of God, has anybody seen the nose".
"Oh Why? Why? Why?", he then sobbed repeatedly.
But the tears streaming from the old man's now twinkle-less eyes and down his rosy cheeks did not phase the crazy-eyed lady in a kerchief and high heels holding a smoking Mossberg Maverick. Initially saying nothing - she finally, simply, and coldly, said: "Because you peace loving- Obama loving-bearded old hippie-socialist-commie-bastard, NOBODY is ever allowed to tell me that I've been naughty!"
And with that, she turned to her hapless (useless) man-servant in his dressing gown and cap and shouted: "Come on Todd, get the lead out! Go get the knives. Let's cut, gut, and dress this bitch!"
Update: Early eyewitness accounts also state that Mrs. Palin then proclaimed in front of her crying children and grandchild: "Oh, go cry me a liberal river you bleeding heart wussies; this is not the way I and dude raised you. It was on our property, I shot it, so we're gonna eat it!" Much sobbing is said to have ensued. At last report, the distraught elderly bearded man in red was last seen walking into the middle of Lake Lucille mumbling "the horror, the horror" before then jumping through the ice ... he has not been seen since.
38 minutes ago